Staring at a blank page with so much to say...

It's back.  That dark cloud that follows me around.  That shadow of mine that drags me to the ground.  The thoughts.  The heavy weight on my chest.  It's back.

I'd like to pretend it wasn't there.  I do a very good job of this while out of the house.  So good, in fact, that one day at work my entire body was taken over by shaking, tears, and dread as I told my boss and coworkers what a good job I had done so far.  That wasn't my Greatest Day.  That also wasn't my Last Day even though I really thought it ought to be.

Lately I can't seem to figure out what to do with it so I get into bed.  That's where I am right now, actually, with Pattergirl on the floor watching videos and the lights off.  It puts me in pajama pants right after school.  It tucks me in at night as soon as it can after dinner.  And it wakes me up with panic in the middle of the night so I can check the clock and see how long until I have to get up and be Caryn Patterson.

Whoever that is.

But that's a whole other post.

For right now I just sit with it and wait.  Because sometimes it will wander off for awhile and I will relax, nursing the wound left behind and hoping it will forget its way back.  Maybe.

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